The Land of Rewrites and Unexpected Pool Guests
by ConfusedMinion
Summary: Karkat Vantas is an over worked and underpaid website coder. His only saving grace -to both his recluse lifestyle and his wallet- is his crappy romance novel franchise written under a pen name. Eridan Ampora is the Prince of an underwater kingdom with the unfortunate habit of harassing swimmers and straying too close to shore.
1. Chapter 1

Karkat Vantas was already feeling stretched thin when the phone rang. A merry tune repeated itself over longer the call went unanswered but he was determined to leave it be. However the shrillness of it was much harder to ignore and managed to draw a groan from him. He pushed himself to a sitting position with an arm and swayed as his head spun dangerously, trust past Karkat to be stupid enough to get plastered and leave him to deal with it in the morning.

When the world steadied he glanced at the screen, the identity of the person who dared bother him stretched across it - one Sollux Captor – and Karkat was very content in letting the lisping bastard not gain a modicum more of his attention. Eventually the tune ceased and the phone went silent, releasing only a series of beeps to let him know a message was waiting for him in his inbox and he was plenty ready to ignore that as well. With a sigh of contented relief Karkat laid himself back down again, tugging blankets up to his chin

Ready to ignore it but unable it would seem as 'The Flight of the Bumblebee' tore through the silence after barely a minute. Karkat lasted until it began to repeat for a fifth time when he finally reached over and slammed the end call button, where he spent a glorious thirty seconds basking in the quiet before the thing started screeching at him again. The stanza had barely made it through its first few chords when he caved with a snarl.

"What the ever loving fuck do you want, shit for brains?"

"Good morning to you too, athhole." Sollux replied with just as much civility. "Do you know what a fucking meth you cauthed for me today?"

"What are you talking about?"

"What am I talking about?" Sollux repeated, voice rising in pitch and Karkat flinched. "You do no fucking work for three dayth and then thuddenly I wake up to find the whole thite hath crathed becauthe thome athhole, and that would be you by the way, decideth to go in and code like a fucking moron. I've been on the phone with our clienth for hourth getting everything thorted out!"

Karkat groaned, memories of trying to finish lines of codes while completely plastered pouring into his brain, and he cursed past Karkat's decision making ability before trying to pacify his friend.

"Look Sollux I'm sorry, I was drunk and wasn't thinking straight. I can go back in and fix it after I have some coffee alright?"

"Don't even bother KK, I've already fixed everything and finithed the project tho you couldn't meth it up again. Why the hell would you think drunken binge coding wath a good idea? You can barely do a coherent job thober."

Karkat gritted his teeth, straining to keep his temper in check.

"I said I was sorry alright? I was feeling like shit last night because my fucking publisher turned down my manuscript; they said it was trash and the worst thing I'd ever given them. They've given me a month to rewrite the entire thing otherwise they're dropping my contract. For-fucking-give me if I tried to help feel helpful and productive instead of wallowing in my one worthlessness."

"Fuck, are you theriouth? I thought they thigned you on for at leatht five bookth."

"This is my fifth book, way to keep track of my publishing achievements you shitty excuse for a best friend. They said I've lost my touch and that they can find better, younger talent coming right out of high school."

"That'th bullthit you aren't even twenty-sixth yet and even if I've never read it I bet your writing is awethome."

"Worst best friend ever."

"Look I'm coming over with thome thitty beer and burgerth. Get up and dretthed becauthe I know you are thtill in bed, pull out the grill and get your trunkth on. I'll be there in ten minuteth."

Sollux hung up before Karkat could protest, and he chucked the phone into the corner. He tried not to wince as it collided with the wall, and forced himself out from under his covers. A cursory glance around the room almost caused him to get back into bed; he didn't have time to clean it before Sollux arrived and saying the place was in disarray would be putting it mildly. With effort he managed to navigate through the mess and shuffled into the bathroom. He stopped before the mirror and studied the reflection before scowling. He was paler than usual, which was an impressive feat in and of itself, but his hair was so full of tangles he was afraid to take his comb to it and the bags under his eyes looked like bruises.

Splashing water onto his face cleared his head some, and after relieving himself he threw on his swimming shorts and descended the stairs. The living room was strewn with wine bottles – because he was a fucking romantic damn it – and he cleared the majority of them away before depositing them in the kitchen recycling and heading out the back door to his patio.

The backyard was small; ten steps from the porch to descend to the ground, thirty steps got you to the farthest edge. The grass was dead and what foliage did survive was prickly and ugly and he was scared to step on it. He didn't much care for lawn maintenance anyways, and that was why in the center of the yard was a large in ground pool.

The sound of a car pulling up his drive prompted Karkat to yank the grill away from the side of the garage and he settled it a short distance away. The lid opened with some difficulty and he began fiddling with the buttons as he heard his friends' voice inside the house. A shout directed him to come out back as Karkat continued to try and get the thing to light.

"Fuck KK, when wath the latht time you cleaned?" Sollux appeared from the back door, a box of beer and a pack of frozen burgers in his arms, as promised. He descended the stairs and deposited his items on a nearby table before coming to help with the grill.

"Like I fucking remember." Karkat muttered, trying the ignition button again. "This thing is fucking broken I swear to MOTHERFUCK!"

A flame higher than he was tall shot from the grill as the gas finally lit, ascending into the air and vanishing with a poof. His lips dragged downwards in both parts terror and anger and the only thing that prevented him from checking the continuing existence of his eyebrows was the laughter coming from his uninvited guest.

"Holy thit KK not only are you inept at coding and writing but leth throw operating low level cooking equipment into that ath well."

"Hey fuck you! If you were going to be an ass about my issues you shouldn't have bothered coming over." Karkat snapped and Sollux immediately stopped laughing as he realized what he had said.

"Thit KK I didn't mean it, I thwear I juth wathn't thinking. Can we thtill be freindth? Look I brought burgerth and everything to thave you from your frozen fith fingerth obthethion."

"I don't have a fish finger obsession!" Karkat fiddled with the settings for a moment, "but yeah we're still friends."

Sollux grinned and swaggered over and hip checked Karkat away from the cooking machine, busting open the bag of hamburgers.

"Have you looked at your freezer today? Becauthe when I did it wath full of fith fingerth, though I thuppothe we can chalk that up to drunken thenaniganth too."

Karkat grabbed a beer and pulled a lounge chair closer to where Sollux was working and plopped down gratefully before cracking open his beverage and taking a swig. His hangover had begun to dissipate, but the accompanying headache was still lingering prominently in the back of his skull. The drink was aiding somewhat, and Karkat didn't want to think too heavily of the implications of trying to cure it with more alcohol. He took another large gulp of the lukewarm beer and grimaced.

"This is really shitty beer."

"Only the wortht for you, KK. But theriouthly though, it would probably tathte better cold. Whereth your cooler?"

"In the kitchen I think? I'll see if I can go find it."

"You thure? I can look for it, since I'm not the one pathetic and hungover."

"Screw you shit stain, keep cooking because I'm fucking starving."

Karkat stood and wandered up the stairs and into the kitchen, opening the pantry and grimacing at the stench of his waste receptacle before rummaging for the cooler he had stuffed in there. It was close to the back and he had to reach to get it, something that involved an awkward shimmying motion plus butt wiggle combo to not touch the trash bin and finally he managed to pull it free. He closed the door with a mental note to take out the trash later, followed immediately by another to forget before cracking open the freezer to get ice. What greeted him was an ice box stacked from top to bottom with boxes containing fish fingers, and Karkat gaped until Sollux's voice startled him.

"I told you it wath full of thethe thingth." He said smugly. "Howth your budget for the week? That hath to be like a hundred dollarth worth of crappy thea food in there."

"I hate sea food I don't even remember buying this crap." Karkat reached into the ice compartment and started scooping the frozen blocks into the cooler. "But fuck I may not have money for anything else."

When the cooler was sufficiently filled Karkat stalked back outside and plopped right back into his chair, pushing beer inside as Sollux resumed his position at the grill, flipping burgers in silence. Sollux cleared his throat awkwardly and cast a quick glance at his companion.

"Look KK, I know I'm not exactly the betht to talk to you about thith, but thomeone needth to thay thomething and I'm the only one here. Your houthe is a meth, you obviouthly haven't thowered, you haven't eaten, and then you get drunk and buy all thothe fith thtickth which you don't even like. Do you need me to call Kanaya for you, or even your dad becauthe thith ithn't healthy."

"Don't call anyone I swear to fuck I will remotely program your computer to explode if you do…"

"Like you have the thkillth…"

"Look my shit is wrecked right now I know that, things have been hard and I just need some time to get things together. If everything is still messed to hell and back in a week then feel free to throw in your underdeveloped sense of unhelpfulness and call Kanaya, but until then keep your pompous self-righteous sense of concern out of my business, alright?"

"Alright, I promithe I won't until next week which you better thurvive by the way. Now here, eat thith burger, jeeze. Thorry for worrying about your general health and wellbeing."

Silence surrounded them again as they ate, the waves sounding prominent and forceful in the distance. The breeze picked up and it carried the scent of the ocean with it, small clouds drifting gently across the sky flecked with grey. Karkat paused in eating to peer over his fence and heaved an annoyed sigh.

"Was there supposed to be a storm today?"

"Not anywhere near land, why?" Sollux abandoned his meal as well to peek over the fence too. Over the horizon the sky had turned angry, the deep blue overridden with black and gray and purple, lightning flickering over an unhappy sea. "Thit."

"That's going to hit shore, goddamn it." Karkat dropped from the fence and slammed the grill cover shut, dragging it back towards the garage. "I haven't weather proofed anything, do you think it's a hurricane?"

"Up thith far I doubt it, we rarely get them." Sollux took out his phone and messed with it for a few moments as Karkat started carting patio furniture and food up into the house. "Calm down KK there are thtill a few hourth before it hitth. The weather thayth thith evening, and it'th not thuppothed to be that bad."

"Fuck those weather balloon headed idiots sitting high and mighty and safe in their stupid news stations. My house in on the fucking coast, remember? One slightly abnormally high tide and everything I own, including myself with my ever so wonderful luck or lack-there-of," Karkat paused in his rant to heave the grill right into the side of the building, not apparently satisfied at its proximity until there was a loud clang from impact, "will be washed out to sea."

"You're being dramatic, your houthe ith on thtiltth, and if it really botherth you tho much why the fuck did you choothe a place right on the goddamn beach?" Sollux helped Karkat wrap chain around the legs of the grill before padlocking it to the fence.

"It was either this one or leave the state entirely, moron. I didn't really want to abandon everything here, especially not since we had just started our business." Karkat walked around the fence, making sure the gate in the back was secure before heading up into the house. Sollux followed, closing shutters and shutting windows as Karkat dragged out a sheet of plywood and began nailing it over the back door. "Why didn't I hear about this storm sooner?"

"They've been talking about it on the newth for dayth dumbath. You would have known if you paid even a marginal amount of attention to anything above your waithtline, or even bothered to look out your own window."

"Alright already, past me is the biggest irredeemable dumbass that has ever existed in paradox space, is it safe to say that is established?" With the plywood in place the pair went back down to ground level. The sky was already gaining some overcast, the wind picking up and then. Karkat cast a worried glance upwards before heading into the garage, ignoring its sole occupant and heading back into the house. With everything locked and secured on the inside he began pacing and worrying at his thumb.

"Do you have any thort of emergency thupplieth? Like gath for your generator, or thome non-parithable food itemth?"

"No I have none of that right now. Fuck, do you think I have enough time to go and pick some up right now? Shit the walk would be too long and you need to get home so I won't ask you to drive… fucking damn it I was really hoping we could have just relaxed in the pool today."

"Want to thpend the night at my place?" Sollux asked. "You're thuper worried about the thtorm, that ith thomething that ith completely obviouthe. The decent thing to do ith offer you a place for the night, jutht in cathe your thitty houthe watheth out to thea. We can even watch a crappy rom com or two if you wanted."

"I would need to be dropped off in the morning." Karkat said, studying Sollux. "And you're buying actual food tonight, and by that I mean pizza without any stupid fish or pineapple or any other related blasphemous toppings."

"Fine you culinary panthy princeth, I will buy boring vanilla pizza for you."


	2. Chapter 2

When they had finally decided to depart from Sollux's apartment neither had really thought much about how bad the storm had actually been. Since the building was further inland all they had witnessed was some rather impressive thunder and lightning, but the closer they drove to Karkat's the more apparent it became it hadn't been a typical storm.

Not long after starting out outdoor furniture had appeared strewn across lawns and sidewalks, fallen branches tossed into the road, usual storm damage. As they neared areas closer to the beach the debris kept increasing in both amount and intensity. When they reached the road that led to Karkat's Sollux was even forced to slow the vehicle to maneuver around obstacles.

The farther they traveled the more Karkat's nerves seemed to tighten. He fiddled with everything he could reach, the door lock, the AC, and he switched the radio on long enough to hear the news inform them they had been hit by a moderate tropical storm before turning it off again. Unsatisfied by these activities he proceeded to curl into himself on the seat and glare out the window.

Sollux went back and forth between watching him to surveying their surroundings before slamming the breaks with a curse. Karkat hadn't been prepared for the sudden stop and barely managed to stop from slamming into the dashboard.

"What the ever loving fuck was that about?" He demanded, turning on his friend. Sollux wasn't looking in his direction and curiosity piqued he maneuvered so he could see what the big deal was. He released a shaky breath when he noticed a large car – what looked like a minivan – peeking out from the surf. The rest of the beach was scattered with things ranging from more lawn furniture to small sheds and Karkat felt anxious about returning home.

"Holy thit KK, jutht look at all that. The damageth mutht be in the thouthandth if not hundredth of."

"Can we just keep going, please?" Karkat settled back into his seat, stubbornly refusing to look out at anything anymore.

"Calm your titth, it'th not like you thee thith everyday." Sollux retorted, but put the car into gear anyways.

"Calm my tits?" Karkat repeated, voice border lining on hysterical. "My house may have been swept out to sea and you want me to _calm my tits_? Did it even occur to you, you self-obsessive dick humper, that I might be homeless, and you want to stare at the fucking scenery?"

"That drama queen thing? Yeah you're doing that again. It'th not like you have no optionth if it'th not there. Kanaya would always let you move in with her."

"Oh fuck no, the woman's a saint and I don't want to share a space with that level of goody two-shoed-ness, and don't forget she's living with her girlfriend now. I like my psychological profile to remain unmolested thank you very much."

"Well there'th your dad. I wath there when he told you that you could move back in at anytime, remember?"

"He lives half-way across the state, there's no way I would ever get out here and like fuck I want that kind of sudo-guilt obligation hovering over me." Karkat hunched even further into himself and Sollux sighed, signaling to turn onto the last stretch.

"Well you could alwayth move in with me, if you wanted." Sollux said, voice casual and being careful to keep his eyes focused forward. "I mean I know I'm not the motht dethirable of people to live with but if you didn't want to take the other optionth. I have the spathe ith all."

Karkat didn't respond and Sollux began to regret mentioning anything when his passenger finally uncoiled his limbs and relaxed once more. His face was turned to the window but Sollux could see a reflection of a small smile. He let out a little breath he didn't know he was holding as the tension left the compartment. Despite this Karkat didn't speak until his house – still standing where they had left it – came into view. There was junk all over the place, and Sollux maneuvered the car as far into the drive as he could before debris stopped their progress.

"Congratulations Sollux, you have once again narrowly managed to avoid me classifying you as an unsympathetic raging sociopathic douche canoe. Fortunately for us both, my house still stands, thank whatever deity that decided to take pity on me." He paused, exiting the vehicle with slight difficulty. "This is going to suck balls cleaning up though. Holy shit what a mess."

"Do you want me to thtick around and help? With the general chaoth in the area I could probably get away with cancelling my appointmenth for the day."

"No, go and be a responsible adult. Fuck knows one of us needs to actually care about our lousy business. I can handle this; city is required to cart the junk off anyways. What's a day or two with deader grass than usual?"

"Are you thure?" Sollux asked, moving to climb out of the jeep. Karkat waved his hands dismissively.

"Yeah I'm sure. Now go and get off my property before I call the cops on you for trespassing."

"Like they care about thit all the way out here. I'll come by again tomorrow with food for you thince you were thuch a dumbath before."

With that Sollux was backing out of the drive and Karkat scowled at him until he was out of sight. When he could no longer see the retreating vehicle he picked his way to the garage door, forcing it open with some effort. The door that led to the yard hadn't stood a chance against the oceanic onslaught and hung open, resulting in the floor being covered in mud and sand. The only real casualty seemed to be the Sunfish getting knocked off its trailer. Karkat moved the small boat back into an upright position before checking the stains on the wall. They marked where the water had flooded to, and he measured himself against it to find it came almost to his chest.

Resisting the urge to be impressed – and the terror at thought of almost experiencing it – he made his way into up into the main house. The interior remained untouched, the only noticeable damage being a missing shutter on the bedroom window. He opened it and pushed the remaining one against the house to stare at the coastline. The water wasn't as far off as usual, maybe only a half mile, but he could tell where it had been and was relieved to see it was slowly receding. A freak flood was an easier event to deal with then the possibility of a surprise tsunami, since they always came in waves.

A cursory glance at the backyard revealed a large portion of the fence wasn't there anymore, and he could swear he saw the off-colored planks lying amongst the rest of the trash like the useless things they were. The deck blocked the pool from his angle, so he pulled back into the house and grabbed his digital camera.

The first picture taken was where the shutter had been torn from the siding since that would need replacing. Insurance was stingy when it came to storm repairs and photogenic proof would make repairs easier on his wallet. With it properly catalogued Karkat made his way down to the kitchen, pausing only long enough to notice the power wasn't working and to grab a hammer before heading out back.

Karkat cursed loudly and viciously at the sight of his beloved pool, the normally pristine water impossibly cloudy with debris either floating or sticking out from its surface. There seemed to be no damage apart from cosmetic, but there was just no way to know for sure until the water was pumped and everything was inspected. Just the thought of what that would entail made his already darkened spirits nosedive.

The rest of the yard was much like he had seen from the window, though the amount of work didn't look as daunting from the ground. The cement of the garage wall seemed to have sustained minimal damage and when he punched the house supports – for purely scientific reasons – they didn't show any signs of weakening or damage either. Without the worry of the house collapsing on him he climbed the stairs to the deck, testing his footing and the handholds as he went. The only part in need of repair was the railing at the top, which wobbled dangerously when pressure was applied.

A few quickly snapped pictures later and the inspection of the deck complete, he started work removing the plywood cover from the door. The nails were tossed carelessly over the side, not really caring about tidiness when there was already a huge mess to deal with, but he did flinch at the sound of a few splashing into the water below. When the board came free he propped it against the side and entered his home, depositing the camera and hammer on the counter before heading back down to the yard.

Between the yard and the pool it was obvious which came first and he started by clearing the cement around it. When he had sufficient workspace he knelt down and pulled out what he could easily reach. Wooden boards where in the majority of items that he saw at first, some pieces that looked suspiciously like more missing fence posts and a cruddy old scarf tangled among them. He carried them to the far corner of the yard before going back and grabbing the pool skimmer. With it he began fishing out what was floating on top, depositing it off with the rest of the garbage.

When the surface was clear he scraped it along the bottom, hoping to grab whatever had sunk there. He hoped that if he managed that at the very least the water might clear since whatever was down there wouldn't let the muck settle. He hooked something soon enough and heaved up a fair sized rock, heaving and grunting until he managed to deposit it safely near the edge.

As he worked he was glad he didn't encounter anything else that was heavy, and he was almost halfway done when something almost knocked the pole from his hands. He scrambled to save it from having to be fished from the murky depths as well, pulling it out to check for damage. He was surprised to find a pair of glasses tangled in the netting. The frames were thick and black, with one missing lens and another cracked. He placed them cautiously to the side, worrying at what exactly he might find as he kept cleaning.

"It would be just my luck for some poor bastard to have drowned in there." Karkat muttered as he scraped along the area more carefully, being thorough to not miss anything. "Asshole would have deserved it for not paying attention to the fucking weather, as if I'm really one to talk."

When he didn't encounter anything within three feet he began to relax, and when five had passed he started to think of what an idiot past him had been to jump to conclusions. At seven feet he pushed the whole thing to the back of his head in an attempt to ignore his unfathomable stupidity.

"Just because there's a pair of broken glasses in a pool doesn't mean someone's head is there too, dumbass." He scolded. "It's not like they come off your face or anything what a piss poor invention they would be if you had to have them sealed on too. FUCK!"

The pole lurched in his hands, and he had barely managed to maintain his footing before a second lurch had him tumbling head first into the water. Weighed down by shoes and clothing Karkat felt the disorientation of weightlessness surround him. He blinked furiously to try and clear the murk from his vision. Bubbles from his impact rose past his feet and he pushed with his arms to follow, and as he kicked a shadow flicked just out of his vision.

The moment he met air he was gasping and coughing, trying to calm his racing heart as he glanced wildly about. Somehow he had managed to land just out of reach from the edge and he made to swim towards it when movement caught his attention. Slowly a small dark triangle broke through the surface, moving back and forth at the opposite end before turning for him. His brain hadn't finished processing what it could be before he was moving, kicking and hauling himself over the side, inertia keeping him moving until he had rolled to safety. Karkat was on his feet and watched as the shark fin turned and vanished once more.

A laugh was threatening to escape from his throat but he swallowed it down, forcing himself to move towards the stairs. He began crawling up them on hands and knees, not trusting himself to hold his own weight. The adrenaline was already beginning to wear off as it dawned how close his life had come to ending. A single giggle escaped and he scowled, dragging himself up onto the landing with every intention of calling Sollux and collapsing in the safety of the kitchen.

He paused, taking in great breaths of air before he pushed himself to his feet, taking a moment to steady himself on the rail. It occurred to him too late on why that had been a stupid idea as it groaned dangerously in protest before giving under his weight. For a few slow seconds he saw the sky below his feet and then he was back in murky darkness, mouth opening to scream but only taking in water. As the world went black a dark shape bore over him, jaws opening to send him into painful oblivion.


	3. Chapter 3

During what was either his second or third novel one of his characters had been rendered unconscious. The prose that had been written around their awakening described a floating sensation and an experience like the gentle coaxing away from a dream. When their eyes had opened they were surrounded by warmth and light, and the arms of a lover who only wished for them to be okay. Unlike his own interpretation of how the events should have occurred, Karkat's eventual awakening was nothing like he had imagined.

When the blackness had decided to loosen its hold on his mind the day's events crashed back into him. The sensation of falling and sucking air into his lungs, sinking, choking, it all returned to him with a clarity that shot him straight into a sitting position, movement far too quick causing his stomach to lurch and the contents to be emptied on the grass beside him.

Grass. The input didn't make sense, and he looked around feverishly. His back was sore from the cold cement he had been lying on, cloths damp but not dripping. A glance upwards confirmed that his railing had collapsed, parts of it scattered along the patio and a chunk resting partially in the pool. There was no sign of anyone else around and he shuffled unsteadily to his knees. The pavement where he had been was off color, wet to the touch.

When he moved to his feet pain erupted inside his head, a pounding so intense it induced another round of vomiting. Giving up on the standing thing he plopped back onto the ground, cursing when he landed on his tailbone. The breeze picked up and he shivered, a glance at the sky letting him know it was almost evening. He briefly wondered how he would get up to the house.

"Forget that," he muttered to himself, "How the fuck did I get out of the pool."

He eyed the once beloved body of water with a newly found sense of distrust and suspicion. The small waves lapped calmly at the sides, beckoning for him to come and enjoy its coolness and to stretch his muscles. He scowled and flicked it off.

"Like hell I'm using you again. Ever." With a groan he attempted to get back to his feet again, slower than the first time and when the headache threatened to resurface he stopped to breath. When everything steadied he shuffled to the broken section of railing. It was partially submerged, as if it had bounced off the pavement and into the pool. There was nothing obvious keeping in place, and when he gave a cautious tug it slid free of the water with little issue. He tossed it towards the rest of the garbage he had cleaned earlier but the movement left him leaning on the house legs for support. He massaged his eyes to ease the pressure behind them, the rubbing help ease the tension.

"Just you fucking wait. As soon as this is all done I am filling you in and replacing you with an above ground pool. At least when that abomination starts inviting sea life into it I can just puncture the damn thing instead of almost getting eaten."

A splash caused him to cease his ministrations and another had him lowering his hand altogether. A dark shape moved just below the murky surface, circling around the far side of the pool. It moved slowly back and forth, almost cautiously as it advanced in his direction before retreating once again. Karkat ignored his instincts screaming for self preservation as he leaned over the edge to try and get a clearer view.

"I'm on land." He told himself as he inched as close as possible without releasing his lifeline, "No shark can get me up here. It would have to be like, a shark with tentacles. A tenta-shark, sharkto-squid, fucking arms instead of fins and there is nothing to be afraid of Karkat Vantas I swear to fuck if you don't pull your shit together –"

"You talk to yourself a lot you know. If you happen to be lookin for a conversational partner I'd be pretty willin to help you out."

Karkat was back against the support beam, spine pressed ramrod straight and clutching it as if he could pass right on through. There was a torso in his pool, but it was leaning up on the edge with crossed arms and a smiling face but the _skin was grey and there were gills on its neck_. The creatures' smile grew larger, lips pulling back to reveal a row of sharp looking teeth and it pushed itself up to lean closer.

"First you wouldn't stop talkin and now you won't say a word. I don't bite or anyfin."

"What the fuck are you and is that a _tail_?" Karkat asked; voice completely steady and manly and not border lining hysterical at all. The question caused the smile to drop from the creatures face and it lowered itself until just its shoulders were out of the water.

"Here I go outta my way to make some conversation with a freakin land dweller and you have to be rude piece a shit right off." It actually sounded offended and Karkat almost laughed at the indignation. "Not to mention you kinda owe me since I've saved your life twice today and you haven't even thanked me yet. Make that three times, but with you lookin like that I don't really mind it."

The creature stopped speaking and purple-on-gold eyes trailed up and down his torso and the smile returned, this time with a satisfied air. Karkat felt a blush rise in his face and he looked down in sudden shyness to notice a portion of his shirt was torn, revealing the curve of his stomach and hip. He pulled the ends of what remained of his shirt down over the exposed skin and glared at his new enemy.

"Was this you? Do perverts also have fins and gills because I thought they were just a land thing. I swear to god if you did this so I would owe you something; don't think that making me think my life was in danger to give you favors-"

"What do you take me for? That's more a thin my brother would try an pull. I was the one who pulled you out when you fell and resuscitated you for fuck's sake. And if you really wanna know what did that to you," it disappeared for barely a second before it was back, heaving something out of the pool before him. "It was this."

Karkat let out a very manly shriek as a three foot hammerhead thrashed wildly before his feet. Any remaining nausea he had was forgotten as he flew to his stairs, reaching the deck landing and throwing himself into his kitchen. He paused only long enough to hear the sounds of the animal being dragged back into his pool before booking it up the stairs and into his room, slamming the door behind him.

At first there had been yelling from the pool below, all indignant squawks and curses. After those died down there came the pleading which had been rather pathetic. When it had become obvious to the creature that his efforts wouldn't elicit a response, Karkat thought he could relax some. Then there was a bang on the side of his house, and then another and he feared that it could somehow climb his siding.

A daring glance out the window had erased that worry, the noises being caused by bits and pieces of debris being hurled at his house. While the aim was horrid – it was going for his open window – the strength behind it was leaving small dents in the siding. When hours had passed and the sun had set with no elicited response the noises stopped and Karkat had finally allowed himself a chance to relax.

The room was dark, and with no power he fumbled around until his hands groped his laptop and he yanked it onto his lap. The lid was flipped open, the accompanying glow of start-up causing him to wince. As soon as his eyes adjusted he opened his Trollian account and selected Sollux's handle.

carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling twinArmageddons [TA]

CG: HOLY SHIT SOLLUX PLEASE TELL ME YOU ARE ONLINE.

TA: what the hell kk iit'2 liike fuck o'clock iin the morning.

CG: IS IT? MY POWER HAS BEEN OUT SINCE YOU DROPPED ME OFF. MY BATTERY IS LOW SO I NEED TO MAKE THIS QUICK. COME OVER.

TA: liike riight now? you're fuckiing kiidiing. go fuck your2elf on 2omethiing unplea2ant for me untiil you regaiin your 2en2e2.

CG: NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND. THERE IS SOMETHING IN MY POOL. TWO SOMETHINGS ACTUALLY, ONE OF THEM TRIED TO KILL ME. MAYBE THEY BOTH DID WHO KNOWS. LOOK IT EVEN FITS YOUR WEIRD TWO FIXATION JUST PLEASE COME OVER AT YOUR EARLIEST CONVENIENCE, WHICH BY THE WAY MEANS RIGHT THE FUCK NOW.

TA: why ii2 later not good enough. can ii just vote for later? ii wa2 already planniing on 2howiing up early wiith real food why does that not plea2e your royalne22?

CG: IF YOU MUST KNOW ONE OF THEM SPOKE TO ME.

The icon indicated Sollux was typing a response, and as Karkat waited for the reply the screen blackened and the mechanical noises ceased.

"No!" Karkat hissed at the machine, slamming his finger on the power button. "Don't you dare be dead. I need to convince that fuckwit to get over here before my ass get eaten by that thing down there and like hell I am facing it alone!"

When no response or sign of life came from it Karkat slammed the cover shut and pushed it away from him. It slid several inches from the force and bumped a small rectangular shape into the moonlight. He found his mood lift when he grabbed it, even a sense of glee as he flipped the screen to find it still had life yet. He contemplated calling his friend, but without some form of proof the asshole would never believe him.

Decision made and plan half baked, Karkat extracted himself from his blanket cocoon and carefully made his way downstairs. When he reached the kitchen he tiptoed to the counter and picked up the previously discarded camera. He switched it on and moved to the floor, laying flat on his stomach before inching his way onto the deck. He stopped just shy of the missing rail, carefully peeking over the edge at the water below.

He saw no movement, no signs of the uninvited freeloader and he figured the fatal flaw in his plan. If it didn't surface he couldn't get a picture, and no picture meant Sollux would not believe him. He didn't want to call out to attract the creatures' attention, and he wasn't brave enough to stick any extremities over the edge to signal for it. There was still no real guarantee it wasn't going to eat him and he did not want to find out how high it could jump.

He set the camera off to the side and crawled back into the kitchen, opening the freezer and pulling out a slightly chilled box of fish fingers. Waste of money or not, these would still find some use in revealing the existence of the garden-pool monster. Back on the deck he popped the box open and fished the first piece from inside. Camera at the ready he gave the food item a short toss and it plopped into the water.

He heard a slosh at some point but there was no other sign of the thing, and feeling frustrated he threw another. When several minutes had passed with still no result he felt his tempter growing. A third of the box later and he was fuming, and at half he just dumped the rest of it over the side. The box was chucked too for good measure.

"Enough!" the roar caught Karkat off guard and he jumped, dropping the camera in shock. "Fuckin incredible that you think you can just dump this shit in here like your expectin' me to eat it. This place is only so big and I'm not lettin' it rot while I'm stuck in it."

Karkat ventured to look over the side and ducked just in time for breaded fish projectiles to fly past his head. The thing was down there, glaring up at him with every set of fins it had flared and teeth flashing.

"I know you're up there homo-moronous I can see your fuckin shadow!"

Karkat, feeling pinned between a rock and a hard place, and way too tired to give a damn anymore finally stuck his head over and met the others' gaze.

"My name is Karkat Vantas," he said, narrowing his eyes at it. "Before you tell me anything else I need to know, what the hell are you?"

The thing rolled its violet eyes at him but the fins flattened, and Karkat was reminded of a ballon with all the air let out.

"I'm a fucking merman, haven't you ever read a book before?"

"Of fucking course I have!" he snarled in return. They stared each other down before he spoke again. "Second thing I want to know, what the hell am I supposed to call you while you're floating in my pool; and thirdly, are you going to eat me?"

"Of all the retarded." The thing, merman, actually flicked him off with webbed fingers. Karkat couldn't help but be impressed. "Look my name's Eridan, Eridan Ampora and of course I'm not goin' to eat you. That'd be fuckin unconscionable."


End file.
